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Saturday, August 31, 2013

A Lifetime is Too Long

Sixteen is the age to write poetry
You’re fearless and alone at night
You know your enemy

When you’re sixty there have been
Too many lovers
Too much living, too many scenes

Your words and thoughts finessed
By tenderness
By experience, by bitterness

A lifetime is too long to tell one story
There’s time enough to re engage
To reach an end as satisfactory

To step out on another stage
Blinking in some other glory
Shrug off the puzzlement and rage

Those other things fade with the night
Gain true perspective
Its going to be all right.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Your Path to Even More Spiritual Enlightenment

Havoon al’aaf presents a series of mini-masterclasses on WHY YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO WORK THINGS OUT FOR YOURSELF … the key to unlocking & navigating your path to his bank account.
Designed to facilitate bringing your pin numbers and bank account pass words out of your head and into the real world – Havoon presents some of his finely tuned processes and games to Decrease substantially the levels of your bank balance and make sure you are donating from a 100% inspired and empowered current account surplus. Helping people to take their personal donations to the next level and beyond, Havoon’s mini-masterclasses offer the usual recipe of total bollocks dressed up as some spurious scientific stuff and top tips to encourage people to marvel at his own success. He will convince you that all he says is absolutely true because he has a white coat and a clipboard.
Havoon is now leading uniquely transformative workshops and one-on-one sessions. Drawing from the richly diverse wisdom, techniques and processes he has encountered during his ground-breaking work on the donut stall in the foothills of the Himalayas, he is weaving these creative techniques and exercises to spark both Personal account and credit card breakthroughs.
The Ring of Truth
The talks include an overview of the history, science and practice of both the Europe jam-filled doughnut and US ring donut traditions and instructions on how to engage the wider holistic benefits of charlatanism and conscious avoidance of anything with the ring of truth which these practices offer.  See how possible it is to believe something because it was posted to you by a friend of a friend on facebook. And how much easier it is to believe stuff when you don’t have to think about where it came from or whether it makes any sense at all.  This is where Havoon had his unique insight.  He will affirm that all this rubbish is true and you merely have to repost it and just accept it as fact. After you have completed a fortnight’s Juice Diet as part of the regime he will email you a certificate that you can print on the best paper you can find.  This proves that you have been experienced the first stage of transformation into Certified Mug status.

Manifest your Memes

See how it is possible to manifest your ill thought out and ridiculous ideas into the real world simply by the power of thought. See how by simply joining hands around a field designated for a Fracking well spiritually aware people have caused tap water to flow green even though no drilling has actually taken place.  See how possible it is to believe that the sky is being deliberately poisoned by Chemtrails merely by ignoring the obvious fact that  if you fill up all those aeroplanes with tanks of chemicals you would have no room for the passengers or the fuel. Duh. What Havoon doesn’t want you to know is that if you spent half as long studying physics, Chesmistry and Biology as the hours you spend reposting all this stuff you would actually find out a great deal more about the inner workings of your mind and you wouldn’t keep falling for all that nonsense. However it’s better for him that you don’t so keep reposting those memes guys.

Here are some quotes for you to repost:
"Hey, this guy is really on to something" – Albert Einstein
"What?" – John Lennon
"Haven’t got a clue" – Sigmund Freud
"The Truth?  You can’t handle the truth" – the Dalai Lama
"Religion is where a bunch of people believe unthinkingly in what their messiah says. What I say to my followers is the truth. No really, it is.  Honestly.  Trust me I’ve been on the tele" – Richard Dawkins

Soon after he started teaching, Havoon received the traditional Tibetan “authorisation to make donuts” from his teacher Lama Rama Ringdong, which was not only a great honour to have received, but also a valuable seal of approval from such a highly regarded Charlatan.
  •  He will share his own experience of donut making to inspire you with the confidence that anyone can enter the acutely impoverished state.
  •  He will explore his groundbreaking ‘torusological’ philosophy that will help you become conscious of the spiritual shallowness of your being, and also exploitatively embrace your vulnerable humanity.
  •  He will invite you to directly experience the wonderful oneness and all-embracing love that naturally arises when we hand over our cash to him
He is best known for his groundbreaking work on the Wonderful World of Facebook including The Mystery is Why the heck Does Anybody Believe this Stuff in the First Place?, and You only have to look it up on Snopes which never made it to the top 10 best-seller in the UK and USA, and nor did it become ‘Book of the Year’ in the UK Daily Telegraph. He runs Stupidity Experience Retreats internationally, during which he personally guides participants to hand over their wallets.

Obviously you will believe everything he says because he’s much cleverer than you are and you really can’t be arsed to find out the truth even if it’s only looking it up a bit on Wikipaedia.
He is pioneering an accessible new way to experience a profound bank balance awakening, which fully embraces our tender, vulnerable, flawed humanity. He has spent his life exploring the awakened state he often simply calls the ‘Where did all my savings go? experience and is able to guide others directly to it.
He is the founder of The Society for Exploiting Poor Suckers in Society, (SEPSIS), an organization dedicated to our collective bamboozlement.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

A Message from Your Spiritual Mentor

Havoon Al’aaf  is a spiritual mentor, professional speaker and author of ‘Transferring Your Bank Balance to Me'.  Subscribe to my newsletter ‘Honestly, Are You Genuinely That Stupid?’

Having worked on the family donut stand, the corporate world and my own personal development companies for most of the last 6 months, I asked the question: "so what?"  I was no longer satisfied with mere personal success and achievements. That may be fun and all well and good, but surely there was much more to living than we were led to believe? Money, fast cars, speed boats.  What do they represent?  What spiritual value do they have?  So I set out to destroy my reliance on all these worthless trappings. My aim was to live simply and harmoniously with the planet. But the dissatisfation with success itself was more problematical. How exactly do you divest yourself of personal success and achievements? I mean, if I set out to destroy all my doings, once I’d disposed of them I would have achieved that goal and I would have become successful again.  So it became clear that in order to get rid of all this personal success and achievement I had to fail and fail pretty miserably at something.  So I chose one of my goals, the one that said I was to dispose of all my wealth and posessions and fail at it. And to make sure my humiliation was complete I had to fail pretty miserably.  But here I was in a bit of a Catch 22 situation. I could only achieve what I set out to do if I failed to achieve it.  Or, to put it the other way, I could only fail by failing to fail and thereby achieve.  Anyway, the upshot was that I should become as rich as possible in order to give myself the satisfaction of living at one with the world.  Meanwhile I could thoroughly castigate myself for failing to dispose of all this wealth. And at the same time to make my secret known to you so that you too can fail abjectly in your life and lose everything you have in a spectacular and unprecedented style.

From the especially auspicious date of the 13th  of August 2013, last week, I began my long and arduous journey into investigating and understanding the nature of human being as part of Nature and a greater Cosmos. It soon became pretty obvious that you aren’t going to be able to work this out for yourselves.  And you would need some spiritual leader like me to sort it all out for you.  For a very reasonable price. I spent hours on Wikipaedia researching the works of cosmetic company scientists, rock musicians and general charlatans. That journey still continues today and as soon as I’ve finished my coffee I will begin my next great work of the compilation a number of quotes from some of these teachers and others who have practised some of the greatest deceits and manipulations that the public accept as 'truth'.  And where I can’t find quotes to fit my ideas I will make them up.

In reality, each individual is a powerful being with infinite potential that is beyond your comprehension. But I recognise that you are too stupid ever to do anything about it. I access this potential for you by tapping into your bank balance, which is far more profound and interesting to me on my quest than your own personal creativity. There is no way of stopping a person from reaching into creativity except through fear which is triggered by the survival mechanism.  So I guarantee to scare the pants off you each time you access your credit card statement.

In my first book, ‘Transferring Your Bank Balance to Me', I will reveal some of the greatest illusions that have been created to keep you in a state of fear and survival. I also reveal how to circumnavigate the barrage of illusions so that you can enjoy the success and power that you already possess. But by the time you get to chapter 2 you will be so bored by all my nonsense and my unutterably turgid literary style you’ll never make it.  Ha ha Suckers.

‘Transferring Your Bank Balance to Me' will be available in eBook format, print and audio-book as soon as I can be bothered to do anything about it.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

As a writer I sometimes get asked to become involved in various arts issues.   I was asked to make a presentation to a full session of Bournemouth Borough Council about the imminent destruction of the Boscombe Community Arts Centre.  It might seem a bit parochial to my readers in other parts of the world but it is a piece of work as carefully crafted and thought out as any other and we must all do what we can to protect the arts in this age of miserable utilitarianism.

July 30th 2013

Deputation to Bournemouth Full Council

On behalf of Bournemouth Creatives.

I am Peter John Cooper theatre professional and writer.  I have run companies in Oxford and North Wales and other part of the UK.  Born in Hampshire when Bournemouth and Boscombe were part of that County.  Spent twenty years in Dorset where I have been chair of a number of County wide arts organisations.  Resident of the Borough for three years. Speaking on behalf of Bournemouth Creatives and other arts organisations.

A building is only a roof with some walls to hold it up.  What is significant is what goes on inside that building.  But once the roof is smashed in and the walls bulldozed nothing can be done and its heritage is lost.  I am speaking of the Boscombe Centre for Community Arts.  You will have seen the superb business plan for the building and one, you will agree, where the numbers are real and certainly stack up and which answers every probing question that you and others have asked of it.  The research it contains is much more persuasive than that presented by the officers here which states that Boscombe has adequate community provision because of its wealth of nightclubs.  Would you take your child to a painting session in a pole dance club?. You know the historical significance of this building as one of the very first Drama Centres in the UK and its groundbreaking work in education and disability. You have seen the deputations from the hundreds of residents and dozens of businesses and enterprises that desperately need the work of the centre to carry on. It’s all in here. You know how persuasive all the evidence is and you know how important the work that could be achieved under this roof within these walls again because you have already had the foresight to realise how the arts can begin the regeneration of a run down area.

Over the weekend I was delighted to be invited to a number of events in North and East London.  Here there are acres of derelict warehouses and factories among run down estates.  I saw was an extraordinary transformation in the lives of many of the residents through innovative uses of buildings and spaces as live in workshops, arts centres, galleries, start up business units.  All making a huge difference in the general air of optimism.  I saw children and young people using spaces in a myriad of inventive ways some of them not entirely expected and intended.  

We have two Universities with the name Bournemouth in them.  Too many of their Alumni, flee our conurbation to places like these in Hackney taking their skills away with them. What is missing is that vital community hub where we can exploit their knowledge and energy, where children can go and get messy with paint and clay and where pensioners can dance or excerise.  Where people can come together and explore their differences and give them back some pride in their lives.  That child experimenting with that pile of clay may be on a path that leads to experiments that give us new hope in health care.  Those people learning dance steps may be helping to get over stroke or other disability.  That kid painting on the wall might one day be the graphic designer that delivers the new branding to the Borough.

We don’t have the run down warehouses of Tower Hamlets, so where do we place that centre of ideas, creativity, research and development, enterprise, wealth? Certainly two small historical school rooms are not in any way sufficient.  Neither do all the pubs and nightclubs and church halls mentioned in the council’s research. Should we ask you to raise the millions necessary to build a new new palace of glass and stainless steel? A new Imax for the Arts?  Of course not.  That vital piece of infrastructure  is already in place. There is some minimal remediation work necessary, mostly the restoration of what was removed in the process of closing it down.  This Business Plan demonstrates real community engagment and knowledge and genuinely demonstrates that the place can be viable.

So to that real poser.  How do we choose between housing and a community centre?  The answer is that we mustn’t.   You know there are other, better housing options.  But this is the only Community Arts centre we have in the whole conurbation. At this last hour please don’t let the bulldozers roll. Don’t knock the heart out of the community. Please reconsider the importance of this project. And don’t rubberstamp the end of hope for so many people.